The Neurodivergent Holiday Survival Guide
A Toolkit With Scripts, Strategies,
and Neurospicy Sanity Savers
(because joy is not the only thing showing up this season...)
The holidays are so magical… in theory. I genuinely want to deny it, but I just can’t. It’s hard to ignore the sheer volume of holiday ideals in every form of media from novels, to figurines, to postcards, to reminiscent holiday specials with catchy commercials. With all the art and music insisting on espousing “joy,” togetherness, and awe, it proves people (at least want to) feel something here, right? It’s like everyone’s chasing some warmth-filled moment they swear exists somewhere out there.
Welp, like the neurotypical standard, I feel this holiday one is also unattainable. While I (and a few of you) may have come to grips with this, I realize that not everyone shares this view. AND I’m not here to convince you or anyone else to see it my way, I truly am just here to try to help bridge the gap a little because we all have to coexist in this crazy world.
You hear that, holiday lovers? I’m not trying to fight you – I swear! But this is also for those of us stoked when inclement weather “forces” us to cancel our plans. You mean I have to stay in my room with all my stuff and be in pajamas with my favorite snacks? *gasp* the horror.
But I just want to help us have a common understanding to help holiday lovers (no not that kind of lover) connect and communicate with those of us with a different version of “successful holiday season” in mind. i.e. actual peace. Like a moment to hear my own brain, or hyperfocus on my own niche glimmers of joy for a minute. Or, heck, I’d take a human interaction where someone isn’t asking me about life decisions, and especially avoiding someone asking my thoughts on a political thing they already have a really strong opinion on they want to “educate me” about, while I get to either stare silently or wage war. No, thank you.
But I’m not saying we don’t want to connect in some way, we would just like a wider menu of options for our neurodivergent brains. (Did you know we have different styles of love languages?)
A lot of us hit the final stretch of the year and feel our nervous systems start to fizz and fizzle. There is stress. Expectations. Small talk. Masking. Overstimulation. Grief that wakes up out of nowhere or gains a lot of momentum. Family dynamics that never learned how to be healthy in the first place. Isolation mixed with overwhelm. Travel. Religious tension. Financial anxiety. Burnout. Feeling trapped in forced expectations. And, of course, your own trauma triggers dressed up in little holiday costumes. So, ask me again, what’s not to love? ✨
So if you are someone who hits this season and feels your body tighten and want to hide away, you are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. The environment and emotional atmosphere is just loud. We as neurodivergent people feel those emotions that are actually there, not just the ones that people want to acknowledge are there, and we can be sponges to all of it. Knowing this help us craft a survival guide with intention and tangible strategies to protect your energy.
This guide is your permission slip to take care of yourself in ways that actually help, with personal insight and respect for all at the heart of it.
Creating SPACE For Your Nervous System
This is a simple yet paradoxical tool; we need SPACE if we are going to be able to be present and engaged. So come prepared to be able to:
Sensory soothe.
Give your body what it needs. A fidget. A cold or hot drink. Noise reducing headphones. Jewelry to help ground. A craft like crochet, origami, or beads. A hat with a brim to reduce lights in eyes. Wear layers for comfort in any temperature. Scented chapstick or lotion. Bring a bag with necessities and go-to snacks.
Prioritize your energy needs.
If your tank is low before the event even starts, acknowledge that. Adjust your expectations. Communicate needs - if you’re arriving late, or duration of stay expectations, or how much energy you have for certain activities (e.g. “I don’t have the energy for real deep conversations, but I can come watch the show.”)
Ask for alone time or one on one time.
Not everything has to be a group activity. Not everything has to be loud and cheerful. This could be space to actively grieve alone when moments hit, or just a place to decompress when you need to reset and refresh the energy. Could also be a space for a more personal conversation instead of group forums where we don’t want to vie for the floor time or be forced to proclaim our ideas for all to bear witness to. (Fun fact: lots of neurodivergent brains have a hard time prioritizing sensory inputs, meaning it can be really hard to have a conversation in a room where other people are talking or things are loud, because our brain doesn’t prioritize the person’s voice, rather it puts every sensory input at the same importance in our brain and we can’t focus on the person talking. Not because we don’t want to, but because our brain literally cannot.)
Calm environment.
Even just for a moment to reset. Like washing your hands to start fresh, wash your nervous system for a second. Step outside. Sit with a pet. Go to the bathroom and breathe with your hands under warm or cold water. Go for a short walk. Find a room with a cozy surface and turn the lights off.
Exhale slowly.
Breathe from your belly and exhale through your lips like you’re blowing bubbles. This resets your system more than people realize (getting oxygen to the prefrontal cortex and activating the parasympathetic nervous system).
Use this as many times as you need. Grounding skills only work as long as we keep using them. Like a flashlight in the forest, you have to use it every time it gets dark and keep using it. Doesn’t help if I used it at the start of this journey but stopped using it halfway through and expected to still feel okay. Keep. Using. Them. Again. Yes, again.
SMILE to Set Boundaries Without Burning Your Life Down
The second tool is for communication. Starts with the word smile because so many of us people pleasers or “keep-the-peacers” use a smile to mask and push through when we really, really, really don’t want to. Boundaries get extra weird during the holidays. Sometimes people start acting like you owe them access to your time, your mood, your space, or your body.
SMILE keeps you steady.
Say “no” if that is what you really feel.
You are allowed to decline. You can decline the event itself, you can decline the time duration, you can decline over-formality and choose the outfit best suited to your sensory needs, you are allowed to decline certain activities, you can decline if certain guests are present.
Make gratitude known.
State that you understand their intention, so they feel seen and understood, not just rejected in their efforts – “I genuinely do appreciate the offer and hear that you just wanted to spend time with me and make me feel special and included.”
Indicate your desired plan.
If you need quiet time, say so. If you need a shorter visit, name it. “My body is telling me what it needs right now so I’m going to go do that.” "or “I appreciate you hearing my needs out so I can help my body rest/reset.”
Let others feel their emotions.
They are allowed to feel their feels, it maybe isn’t the reaction they were hoping for or expecting. That doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong of that you should have done something differently. But nor does it mean they have to pretend like they aren’t sad or upset. Their discomfort is not your responsibility. Their disappointment is not your punishment. We can recognize it, name it, and make space for it without trying to minimize it, fix it, or fight it. “Sorry that’s not the answer you wanted.” or “Sorry you’re disappointed, I get why you’d feel that way.” Then, “This is still the answer I have to give to protect my energy, and hope you can understand.” or “That’s just what I need and I’m trying to get better at asking for it directly.”
Exhale and exit.
Your body may not feel calm, but calm your breath. Deep breath into the core of your stomach, loooooooong, slow exhale out. Exit with dignity. You do not need to stay in a situation that is draining you, nor do you need to keep explaining hoping their emotions will change. You simply acknowledge, and physically set the boundary – walk away and/or end the conversation.
Use this like a script. You are not rude for having limits. You are healthy. Healthy is hard at the holidays in every regard.
Building a Neurodivergent-Friendly Holiday Plan
Think of this like making a travel kit for your nervous system. Like taking a back pack on a hike. Never leave home without it!
Bring things that give you something to focus on or engage with others on besides conversation:
Games to play
for different sized groups
for one on one so you have a reason to ask just one person to join you.
Coloring books.
Drawing supplies.
Origami.
print out steps or use internet
Simple crafts.
paper cards
paper chains
paper crowns
Beads for jewelry
Crochet
Painting
(mini) canvases
old picture frames/glass
mini pumpkins
Anything that gives your brain something safe and steady to do and is portable
Set clear expectations for how long you plan to stay:
Say it out loud to someone you trust so that your brain feels anchored.
Have a break strategy:
Outside time.
A walk.
A quiet room with a pet.
Doing something helpful like chopping vegetables or organizing something.
Some of us regulate through movement. Some of us regulate through quiet tasks. Both are valid.
Have an exit strategy:
Drive yourself.
Arrange your own transportation.
Have a support person who can help you validate your experience if things get confusing.
Know ahead of time what you are going to say so you can leave confidently and gracefully. “Thanks for a great time, my battery is spent and I’m needing some me-time," or, “Thanks so much for having me. My body’s hitting its limit, so I’m going to head out. Love you and I’ll reach out when I have more energy.”
This is called ‘scripting’ for neurospicy brains. Have the script ready so we don’t have to try to come up with something on the spot. It’s ready, we know it reasonable, and we know it’s what we actually need.)
You are not dramatic for needing this. You are prepared.
A Gentle Reminder For The Big Feeling Heart
You are not supposed to feel happy on command.
You are not required to ignore your needs.
You are not obligated to perform joy for other people’s comfort.
You are allowed to have mixed (or mostly negative) feelings about the holidays.
You are allowed to take things slowly.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
Your nervous system is doing its best to keep you safe. Your job is to listen to it.
There is nothing wrong with you if the holidays feel hard. You are a being with limited energy, resources, and time. Your feelings matter and you deserve to move through this season with care, honesty, and actual support.
If you want more ND friendly guides, insights, tools, or other resources check the rest out at Neuro Sweet Spot.
If you want a place where you’ll actually want to attend and be social* with, join a game at DivergentRealms.com or subscribe to join our online community and have a spot to vent and commiserate (or dive into more survival tips) with neurospicy friends.
