Education and Tangible Resources:
Dive Into Insights and Tips

Picture you and I walking toward a big dark forest, and you say to me, “Hey I’m scared to go in there.” If I respond with, “You’re fine, let’s just go,” that response will make you MORE scared to go in there, not less. 

But switch it up, and instead let’s say that when you tell me you’re scared to go in there I say, “Oh, yes, here’s your bag with all the things you’ll need. There’s a flashlight, a map, a walkie talkie, some snacks, and more…” NOW you will feel ready to go in, and have less fear.

You’ll notice that I did actually validate that there was a reason to have some fears, though. I did not say “there’s NO reason for you to be scared! It’s just rainbows and butterflies in there!” Nope. I validated that it’s fair to bring up fears, and then I presented you with the facts (and tools) that will allow you to handle the things that could come up in there. 

People are afraid that validating the fear will go something like this: 

• Scared part: Hey I’m scared to go in there, what if it’s dark?

• Me: You’re right it is dark.

• Scared part: See? We should just never go in there, ever, then. *runs away*

But validating in a helpful way actually looks like this:

• Scared part: Hey, I’m scared to go in there, what if it’s dark?

• Me: You’re right, it is dark in there. And we’ve got this flashlight. Do you remember how to use it? … Does it have batteries?

This analogy can be how we talk with children when they present very reasonable fears that kids would have about things that seem normal to us. 

• This can also be how we talk to ourselves inside our own heads when our “anxious parts” of our brain start telling us all their fears. We try to shut them down because we’re afraid they may have a point about a fear that we can’t fix.

  • But fixing it is just what the scared part is focused on.

  • Our balanced brain understands that the flashlight doesn’t mean it’s not dark in the forest. It just makes it so you can handle what’s happening around you.

    • It IS dark. AND you can handle this. 

      • Yes, I’m scared. And I can handle this. 

    • Yes, that’s going to be a hard situation or experience, and we are going to get through it. Remind myself of my strength, abilities, skills, tools, and options.

Anxiety is over assessing the risks, and under assessing your ability to handle them.

• This is the beauty of this, because it’s not about “toughening up” or “being brave” even. This is about freedom. Independence. And every kid and human wants to have power over their own life, and this is how we get it. 

If we run away from every “forest” in our life (hard situation/space/conversation/event/or even just emotion that can be a lot for us to handle) then our world will be very small because we won’t be able to go into any space that feels like a forest. 

• But if we remind ourselves of the powers we have to handle whatever a forest will throw at us, we can go in anywhere with awareness, confidence, and ability to navigate safely.

The flip side of this, and why this can only open up the world to you when you’re ready, is: don’t go into the forest naked, though! 

• There are legitimate reasons to be cautious, to need to bring certain skills and tools with you, so I don’t want you going into that forest before you actually are holding the proper tools and understanding of how to keep yourself safe.

What does this look like in real life? Making it more tangible to applying this in real life:

Example 1: (kid and adult)

• Scared part: I don’t want to answer in class, what if I get it wrong and they laugh at me?

• The unhelpful responses: (which may be true on some level, but you just can’t start here…)

  • You’re so smart, you’ll get it right!

  • Don’t worry about them, just do you and ignore them.

  • No one is really laughing at you. It’s all in your head.

• The more helpful responses:

  • Sometimes we will get answers wrong, you’re right. 

    • (Make sure tell them they are right on some level so they know you’re on their side — sets the stage for the whole rest of the conversation.)

  • And that can be hard or embarrassing in front of other people. 

  • It can make us feel stupid sometimes, or like other people don’t even like us. Huh?

    • (Asking for small feedback you know you can get an affirmative response to also helps melt the ice a bit on the rough edges of the fear response they are in at that moment.)

  • That can be scary. Thank you for sharing that. 

• (Only proceed to these next statements once you’ve validated their fears, first. Genuinely.)

  • And, we know that as long as we are trying our best, that’s all we can do. We know we can’t control other people. 

  • But when our brain starts to tell us that other people think we’re dumb or bad, or our own brain starts to feel that, we need to validate that our brain is having a hard time and it just needs some love. 

    • (Check out this brain science post to validate further on this - Your brain literally goes dark in the front when we are triggered by big emotions, so we need to turn our brain back on.)

  • When your brain starts to tell you those things that make you feel bad, remember to “use your flashlight.” Which is BREATHING.

  • Even if you got it wrong, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. And even if other people may laugh, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. It just means we have to be ready to help our brain and body when it starts to “get dark in the forest.”  

Example 2: (my anxious part and me)

• Scared part: I’m scared of being honest with people when they like something and I don’t, so I just pretend to make others happy.

• the unhelpful responses:

  • Just be nice to keep the peace.

  • You’re just a coward.

  • They wouldn’t like you if you were honest, so don’t let them know

• The more helpful responses:

  • it makes sense that you want to be kind to other people. But I bet you wouldn’t want someone to lie to you thinking they were being nice, you’d want them to be honest.

  • It can be scary to be yourself in front of other people, though, especially if we think they won’t agree or will think we’re weird.

  • Its probably been a lot easier to just go along than try to confront everyone, and I’m sure you have very little energy left to devote to this right now.

• (Only proceed to the next responses once you have validated the fears first. Genuinely.)

  • You don’t have to change yourself to be liked, or to deserve to be treated well, though.

  • It may be uncomfortable to disagree with someone, but that doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong, I can find people who treat me well, like I deserve, and those are people I can actually trust.

  • I’ll decide when it’s worth being myself with people I trust, and when it’s best to not put the energy in. I get to decide. I don’t just do it to keep people happy, though.

Breathing is your flashlight for your brain in your real life. Breathing properly activates the parts of your brain that have gone dark. When a big emotion hits we breathe to send oxygen back to our brain and reactivate it in a helpful way. 

• The big emotion can be the forest

  • yes it really is dark

    • breathing doesn’t mean the emotion isn’t here or that it’s not dark,

      • it just makes it so we can handle what is going on around us.

And the final key to this whooooooooole thing is that you have to have an exit strategy to truly feel safe and confident in going into the forest. 

• If you think you’re going to be trapped in that forest and not able to get back out, then your body and brain is going to fight you so hard on going in there, yo will not want to, and that makes sense! 

• It’s afraid of feeling trapped. So the exit strategy is essential. 

• If I know that at any point I need to I can leave the forest to help myself, I will be way more willing to actually go in. 

Applying this to real life means having a way to help yourself out of the “forests” in your life. 

• A way to take a break from a tough class 

  • going to the bathroom or getting some water

• a way out of a triggering conversation 

  • a statement to end the interaction and get space

• a way out of the emotion that feels overwhelming 

  • using a comfort item or a song to soothingly activate our system

This compassion allows us the confidence to handle any forest, when we are ready, with the reminders that you have the right tools and skills. 

• It takes  awareness, practice, and it takes vulnerability.

• It’s not getting smaller or easier. You’re getting stronger. 

  • Remind others. 

  • Remind yourself. 

  • As often as it takes.