Education and Tools for Parents Learning about Neurodivergence For Their Kids

The coexistence of autistic and ADHD wiring creates a distinct neurotype — not “Autism + ADHD.” It can be confusing and frustrating because if both neurotypes are present it can appear like we don’t fit into either category - making us believe we can’t be either ADHD or Autistic.

The shared system masks and compensates for unique dopamine regulation, sensory activation differences, social pattern seeking, and executive dysfunction which can cause wide ranges of functional abilities day to day or situation to situation.

Some behaviors seem opposite: craving stimulation or people one moment, avoiding sensory input or social situations the next; or cleaning the whole house one day, then living in mess for months til you clean again.

This checklist helps you notice both ends of those patterns and the strategies you’ve built to survive them. This is not meant as the end-all-be-all of recognizing AuDHD, but can help offer insights to functional behavioral patterns

1. Eye Contact & Social Engagement

Brain science: Eye contact activates threat and attention systems simultaneously. The autistic system avoids the overload; the ADHD system chases stimulation for bursts of time. The overlap creates push-pull tension between connecting and protecting.

Observations:
☐ You’ve learned where to look (forehead, mouth, eyebrows) so it seems like you’re making eye contact.
☐ You remember to look at people’s eyes because it’s expected, not because it feels natural.
☐ You have found ways to make strategic, interspersed moments of eye contact to be "respectful”
☐ You sometimes realize you’ve been staring too intensely and worry they noticed.
☐ You avoid direct eye contact when you’re tired, anxious, or overloaded, perhaps through use of sunglasses, hats, or looking away (probably to fidget)
☐ Your level of eye contact changes depending on who it is, how safe you feel, or how much energy you have.
☐ You have an easier time making eye contact when the other person is speaking, but a harder time focusing on eye contact if you are the one speaking.
☐ In conversations you are deliberately tracking others body cues, like nodding, smiling, laughing, etc., so you can react at the appropriate times they want.

Mini reflection:

• How much effort does it take to give eye contact the way you think you should?

• On good days, why is it easier?

• On hard days, what happens in your body when you try?

2. Conversational Regulation

Brain science: Prefrontal inhibition (ADHD) and predictive language mapping (autism) compete. One wants to blurt, the other wants to script.

Observations:
☐ You hate small talk, but may enjoy actually connecting with others.
☐ You mentally script greetings or small talk before entering a social space.
☐ You keep a “default topic” ready in case your mind blanks.
☐ You have the urge to over explain things, hoping that you can be incredibly precise and avoid being misunderstood or perceived as rude or stupid.
☐ You can often talk over people (either that you are comfortable with, or when excited) without realizing until later.
☐ You catch yourself sharing too much or going off on tangents (they seem connected in your mind, but others may be confused or think it’s “self absorbed”.)
☐ You often use stories of yourself to show you understand how someone is feeling or what they are going through. (meant as empathy, but others may perceive it as self absorbed.)
☐ You sometimes freeze mid-conversation and can’t find words (especially if you feeling anxious, or others are putting off big emotions like anger or sorrow)
☐ You replay conversations later, analyzing how they went, sometimes having a hard time moving on from how it felt in your head or body or what you think they think of you now.

Mini reflection:

• Do you notice yourself swinging between talking too much and not at all?

• Which situations bring out each side?

• How do you recover afterward?

3. Social Reciprocity & Interest

Brain science: Dopamine desire drives attention to rewarding topics. In AuDHD, that reward map is narrow but intense. Additionally, mirror neurons are more plentiful leading to physical sensations of empathy at times and can contribute to high pattern recognition for others behaviors.

Observations:
☐ You genuinely light up when the topic is something you love.
☐ You mirror others’ interests or emotions to connect, even when you’re not feeling it.
☐ You have high empathy and “social radar” around others, noticing body language, tone, delivery, etc. and being highly impacted by others’ moods.
☐ You struggle to follow conversations that don’t have a clear structure or purpose.
☐ You struggle with how to respond to incongruent social cues, like someone telling you in words that they are fine, but shouting it angrily at you.
☐ You find group conversations exhausting, even with people you like.
☐ You sometimes realize you’ve been info-dumping and feel embarrassed.
☐ You can be very invested in an interesting conversation, but then suddenly find yourself drained, wanting out, and not knowing how to disengage respectfully.

Mini reflection:

• When do you feel socially “on”?

• When do you feel you’re acting/masking? Do you only mask if you feel you have to?

• How do you unmask with yourself?

• How long can you stay in social mode before needing to withdraw?

4. Task Initiation & Follow-Through

Brain science: Low dopamine (ADHD) resists starting; high focus inertia (autism) resists switching. The overlap causes start-stop extremes.

Observations:
☐ You’ve created and recreated detailed systems (lists, timers, alarms) just to start tasks.
☐ You start several projects at once, then feel guilty for not finishing.
☐ You freeze on tasks that seem too big, even if you want to do them.
☐ You have high expectations for your work so you want to wait until you have enough energy to do the task perfectly, but then you never get that much energy, so you keep putting it off for lower demand/stakes tasks.
☐ You wait for the last-minute pressure to get things done, using anxiety/adrenaline as motivation. (Can make us feel like we have to be anxious in order to get things done.)
☐ You experience bursts of motivation followed by total depletion.

Mini reflection:

• Which of your strategies actually work—and which only work when you have extra energy?

• How can you tell when you’re in a “good day” rhythm versus an adrenaline induced “get-it-done frenzy”?

5. Focus & Attention Style

Brain science: ADHD seeks novelty; autism seeks stability. Together they create “hyper-focus roulette.”

Observations:
☐ You can’t focus on uninteresting tasks no matter how important (until last minute panic sets in).
☐ You get lost for hours in topics you love, maybe reading whole books in hours or days or binge consuming entertainment media.
☐ Background chatter or other noises can derail concentration really quickly on certain tasks.
☐ You multitask to stay stimulated for certain tasks, maybe with a “background show” or music constantly on.
☐ Switching tasks feels like wading through mud, even someone trying to talk to you when you are focused on another task can cause irritation or anger.
☐ You crave doing something new only to regret signing up for something new when the time comes.
☐ You may have a hard time exiting the focus flow - can be hard to pause and do other things if it feels incomplete; don’t want to lose the momentum.

Mini reflection

• What kinds of focus feel peaceful vs frantic?

• How do you recover after deep dives?

6. Time Perception & Transitions

Brain science: Internal time sense (interoception + dopamine clock) runs unevenly. AuDHD brains feel “now” or “not-now.”

Observations:
☐ You run late because you don’t realize how long it actually takes to get ready, and the time just snuck up on you.
☐ You have a strategy now of arriving early because you are mortified to show up late.
☐ You set alarms, buffers, and reminders because you don’t trust your internal clock.
☐ You dread unexpected changes to plans.
☐ Once you start something, it’s hard to stop, not realizing how much time is passing, sometimes going through hunger.
☐ You over-schedule yourself to avoid forgetting or drifting off-track.

Mini reflection:

• Which is harder for you: starting things or stopping them?

• How do you know when you’ve hit your time limit?

7. Sensory Input & Regulation

Brain science: Autistic sensory hypersensitivity and ADHD sensory-seeking coexist, creating swings between craving and avoidance.

Observations:
☐ You notice tiny background noises that others don’t.
☐ You crave music or movement when you’re bored.
☐ You avoid certain fabrics, foods, or smells.
☐ You oscillate between craving stimulation and needing silence.
☐ You carry sensory tools (headphones, fidgets, hoodies, gum, etc.) everywhere.

Mini reflection:

• What signals tell you you’re overstimulated?

• What kinds of input calm or reset you fastest?

8. Emotional Regulation

Brain science: Dopamine and amygdala reactivity amplify emotion, while alexithymia dulls recognition—so feelings can hit late or too hard.

Observations:
☐ You experience emotions at big levels, not just feeling a little sad, but pretty devastated, and not just feeling frustrated, but incredibly angry.
☐ You react strongly and feel emotions in your body - tight chest, closed throat, increased heart rate, tense shoulders, upset stomach, butterflies, shaking, finger twitching, hives, visibly fidgeting, etc.
☐ You sometimes shut down and feel nothing for hours.
☐ You get frustrated at how quickly your emotions change.
☐ You apologize for “overreacting” even when you were just overwhelmed.
☐ You need more time than others to calm down after conflict (to emotionally transition).
☐ You may have big emotions to “little” things but look numb/stoic when actual big things happen.
☐ You need time to process big emotions, may not feel something from the situation until days, weeks, or months later.
☐ You have a hard time having emotions in front of others, often refusing to admit it, or answering with “I’m fine.”

Mini reflection:

• When do you notice emotions first—immediately or later?

• What helps you move through them without burning out?

9. Movement & Motor Coordination

Brain science: Cerebellar and sensory-motor feedback loops differ; ADHD adds restlessness, autism adds precision anxiety.

Observations:
☐ You fidget or pace to think, especially when talking on the phone. Leg bouncing, or knuckle popping are common.
☐ You bump into things or misjudge space, bonus if you apologize to the inanimate objects.
☐ You have a hard time judging your strength, can be known to break objects from using too much force by accident.
☐ You can be highly coordinated in athletics or in familiar motions but clumsy in other common ones.
☐ Exercise helps regulate mood but can overstimulate senses.
☐ You avoid or crave sweat depending on the day.

Mini reflection

• What types of movement calm you?

• When does body awareness shut off or spike?

10. Organization & Environment

Brain science: Executive networks crave order but lack initiation energy; sensory load dictates tolerance for clutter.

Observations:
☐ You create organizing systems but can’t maintain them, constantly feeling you need to design a new system that will “work better”.
☐ You know exactly where everything is in “organized chaos.”
☐ You forget tasks unless they’re visible (hence why we try to use post it notes to make it obvious…)
☐ Visual clutter overwhelms you, or you “white noise” it, meaning eventually you don’t even notice the post it note still stuck to your mirror.
☐ You clean in sudden bursts, then burn out.
☐ You mass organize by making a “doom pile” and then sorting it all back out.

Mini reflection

• What environmental tweaks actually support you?

• How do you reset after chaos builds up?

11. Daily Living & Self-Care

Brain science: Interoception (body signal awareness) and task sequencing often misfire, making basics inconsistent.

Observations:
☐ You forget meals or hyperfocus on a task through hunger, only to come out of the focus hours later and be super hungry.
☐ As a kid you may have struggled with being able to tell when you needed to use the bathroom, maybe only noticing once it got really extreme.
☐ You are deterred by the steps to make food, so will avoid meals and go for easy to access snacks or skip meals entirely.
☐ You go between extremes of not feeling hungry at all for the day, then feeling extreme hunger when it hits.
☐ You had a hard time with brushing your teeth or hair when you were younger, have developed strategies to make it better.
☐ You delay showers until the sensory effort feels manageable or you can’t wait any longer.
☐ You batch chores when motivation spikes.
☐ You use timers or playlists to make routines tolerable.
☐ You use body doubling with friends to motivate your body to start tasks.
☐ You alternate between neglecting and over-managing health.
☐ You have a stack of things to return that keeps building up, being put off for another day.

Mini reflection

• Which self-care tasks sneak up on you?

• How can you tell when maintenance is slipping?

12. Masking & Compensation

Brain science: Chronic prediction of others’ expectations (social cognition + threat systems) consumes immense energy.

Observations:
☐ You study social norms like a language, perhaps getting really into psychology/sociology/personality quizzes to try to get more info.
☐ You copy speech patterns, gestures, or interests to blend in.
☐ You find yourself repeating or compulsively mimicking certain phrases, words, songs, rhymes, jingles, quotes, or accents.
☐ You hide sensory or emotional reactions until alone, perhaps used to have extreme outward reactions as a kid but turned them inward over time.
☐ You feel “off” or empty after social events.
☐ Compliments on how “normal” or “happy” you seem feel confusing.

Mini reflection

• Which parts of you are authentic vs adaptive?

• What signals tell you you’re slipping into mask mode?

13. Identity & Self-Understanding

Brain science: AuDHD wiring blurs feedback loops—self-concept often forms around external validation or performance. Eventually can overcompensate how much we care about others views with “I don’t care what anyone thinks.” Or can oscillate between the two extremes.

Observations:
☐ You’ve felt like a chameleon in different settings - just giving the people what they want (could be entertaining them or could be staying quiet to fit in.)
☐ You struggle to describe your preferences without context. (Different groups of friends mixing can cause panic.)
☐ You base self-worth on productivity or usefulness.
☐ You question who you are when routines change or context changes and you’re unsure what role you should be playing.
☐ You observe others interactions first before being willing to engage.
☐ You feel like you CAN fit in wherever, but don’t feel like you actually belong.
☐ You sometimes feel like an alien on earth and everyone else seems to naturally be good at being human.
☐ You are hyper aware of micro rejections, so changed body language, or tone of voice can send us signals that others don’t like us from tiny signs we are picking up on and maybe couldn’t even name why, since it happens so quickly.
☐ May burn out and eventually feel like being around people is just exhausting or frustrating - protects peace and quiet at all costs, now.

Mini reflection

• Do you feel like you change “masks” depending on who you are with? Do you panic if they see you without that mask you showed them before?

• Where do you feel most like yourself?

14. Energy & Recovery Awareness

Brain science: The AuDHD nervous system uses more energy to maintain regulation. Recovery is not optional—it’s biology.

Observations:
☐ You track “spoons,” or energy levels intuitively.
☐ You push through exhaustion to avoid guilt. (Oscillate between hyperproductivity/pushing through and then crashing, needing to withdraw.)
☐ You crash after social or work bursts. (Even after things you enjoy or had a good time at.)
☐ You confuse burnout with laziness. (Trying to use shame to motivate our actions pushes us to use anxiety/adrenaline to function, which leads to feeling like we have to feel anxiety to get anything done… or you call yourself lazy.)
☐ You schedule recovery time only after breaking down.

Mini reflection

• What restores you fastest: solitude, movement, connection, or stillness?

• How can you build recovery before depletion hits?

Closing Reflection

• Which sections drained you just to read—that’s a clue.

• Which strategies you’ve developed were actually born from compensating for struggle? (this can point to trauma, but it may not seem like capital T “Trauma,” but it still impacts how our nervous system got reinforced.)

  • e.g.

    • I make people happy because when I was a kid it was easier to interact if the adult was happy.

    • I never forget to lock the doors anymore, because I obsessively check them so I don’t.

    • I know I would procrastinate, so I make myself do it right away now.

• What patterns change most between your “good days” and “hard days”?

• Where could support or permission replace self-pressure?